Happy Black History Month!

I have a distinct memory from sixth grade on a school bus, we were on a field trip. The girls around me were talking about the movie Finding Forrester. Only a couple of us had seen the movie, so one girl started to explain the main points. She started by saying, "So there was a man and a little Black boy..." and I remember that striking me as so odd. I was curious as to why it was important that the boy was Black but no racial description was given for the man.

Ever since then I've always paid attention to things like that. From my unofficial research, it seems that people often omit race as a descriptor if the person or people they're describing matches theirs. For example, once a friend was telling me a story about how these girls were being mean and making fun of her. She felt the need to mention that they were Black. She also felt the need to tell this story specifically to me even though our other (non-Black) friends were all in the room. I'm not sure if these mean girls would have been less intimidating if they were not Black... but we all know that stereotype that Black people are scary. I would like to think she was only telling me that story because I am the brazen friend that doesn't put up with bunk, especially from strangers. And I'm sure that was part of it. But part of it was also "listen to what your people did to me," at least that's how it came off.

In that moment I could have asked why this story was specifically being told to me and why sympathy was especially anticipated from me, but as I have expressed before, I'm not one to make an awkward situation more awkward. But it wasn't awkward for her, I guess it was just awkward for me. The brave and sensible option in that scenario would have been for me to address it. As this girl's friend, I think I owed her that, I owed myself that, and I owed it to our friendship. If you can't be honest with those closest to you, then where's the hope?

So despite this, we do live in the age of colorblindness. People do not want to talk about race. I can count for you on hand, maybe both if I'm generous, the amount of times I have explicitly discussed race in depth with a good friend of mine who was not the same race as me. When I say discussed race, I don't mean talking about the gorgeous specimen we deemed "Beautiful Black Man." Okay, see there, the race label was completely necessary. There weren't that many Black men on campus at ye ole Hop. The chances of there being a beautiful White man were higher simply because there were more White men. But this Adonis was easily spotted when he would grace the world by playing corn hole shirtless on the quad at letting the pure rays of Baltimore sunshine beam onto his caramel skin, muscles just a-glistenin'. But I digress, happily, because I haven't thought about BBM in a minute. On the real though, BBM, if you're out there... there are honestly enough clues for you to identify yourself in my glowing review... so hollaaaaa.... My friends and I are notorious for giving people bizarre nick names, like Jubilation and Santa. Most of them are not racially motivated save for BBM and AWM (Average White Man, but that's mostly because his name is so... well... White, like the name Hunter Johnson. His name is not Hunter Johnson, but I just want you to understand).

You could easily imagine that this man's name is Hunter Johnson right? His picture is the first that came up when I searched "average white man." Also, lol, it doesn't even look real; it looks like somebody compiled every White male face on one of those apps, and this was the resulting, all inclusive, average White male face.....

Now I personally don't think that stating someone has a "White sounding" name is that offensive. Friends and foes please feel to correct me if I'm wrong. The only negativity I could even begin to connect is maybe that you come from middle class White America and most likely live a comfortable life, and maybe you say a lot of things that only a square would say. So... shrug, I don't really feel too bad about that. A "White sounding" name means that when you submit your resume 1) Your name is typically easily pronounced on the first attempt and 2) Nobody is trying to guess what you are and so they simply proceed to look at the rest of your resume. 3) You may get the upper hand even if you have an identical resume to someone else's, but your name isn't DeShawn so there's less of a chance that you are... as they say... ghetto. *I'm not saying this happens all the time, I'm just saying it happens*

Okay okay okay. I got super sidetracked. So my point was when my friends and I talk about race it usually isn't in the social or economic or political sense. I'm not sure if we intentionally try to avoid it. I wish that it was something that I could bring up more frequently because it is truly something that interests me. And since I have such an advantageous situation of being friends with people from a plethora of various ethnic and racial backgrounds, I'm sure we could all learn so much from each other if we permeated the barrier of discomfort.

Would it be awkward if I asked my friends if they did anything to observe Black History Month? Sorry I don't know if that's supposed to be all caps, but the answer is yes. Mostly because I didn't "do" anything. I took a few minutes out of this month to read a couple articles on Marian Anderson and Shirley Chisolm. If you don't who they are, feel free to stop reading my blog and have your own little Black history moment. I'm also reading the New Jim Crow by Michelle Alexander, lent to me by a dear friend with whom I'll definitely discuss our reactions and new found knowledge, but I do wish this is something all my friends felt comfortable doing.

When Robert McCulloh announced that grand jury decided not to indict Darren Wilson for fatally shooting Michael Brown, I couldn't hold back my tears. I found myself crying on and off for the next week. And if you know me, you know I'm not one for waterworks. But in that moment, as I heard the news, I wanted to talk to someone. It was pretty late, so my parents were asleep. I texted one friend, but she's bad at that form of communication. I texted her because I knew she would feel the same way I felt. I just wanted some solidarity in my sadness. I thought about calling other friends, but then I thought too much about them saying the wrong thing and having that lead to me being more upset than I already was.

That brings up of the main issues that contribute to why I believe race is not something often discussed in my social circles. The first being that I think people assemble what their friends' and families' viewpoints are on certain things based on little indicators they have pieced together over the years. You make a profile in your head of the people you get to know. You can determine what things they might like and dislike because you are familiar with their tendencies and patterns. Similarly, you may assume that they'll feel a specific way about a situation. You may not like this feeling they might have, and therefore make to attempt to discover what their true feelings are. You brush it aside and ensure that topic is never really brought up, because you're afraid of what the truth might be.

On the other side of that, people don't want to say the wrong thing and offend people they care about. People deliberately keep their feelings about controversial topics to themselves so no one gets hurt. The few times that race has been brought up among my friends, at some point I usually just tell myself to shut up, because I can feel the room changing. That tension and discomfort, it's tangible. I don't usually say things for the sake of someone just being mad at me, 9 times out of 10 it's because I'd like to have an invigorating discussion.

These topics are inevitably personal so we have to careful to be respectful but I think it's important that we bring them to the table. How else do you learn? There are some people that don't have the luxury of being exposed to people of different religions, cultures, political beliefs, races, etc. So for those of us that do have that privilege, we should take advantage of it and educate ourselves. I'm sure that's how we can all learn to be better friends and better people.

So that being said, I vow not to punk out on opportunities to educate or be educated. I'm not going to ask my friends if they did anything to honor Black History Month, but I will continue to ensure that I keep learning about trials and successes of my culture, past and present, and be sure to impart any knowledge when the occasion calls for it. I also hope to impress that I am open and eager to hearing the thoughts of my friends and family. You can't always say what I want to hear, and I can promise the same from my end, but it's so important for us to at least start a dialogue. Race isn't biological, it is a social construct, and whether we want to acknowledge it or not, it is an undeniably pervasive and powerful aspect of our society.

To my friends that have ignored or perhaps simply embraced the uneasiness in an effort to have a enlightening conversation, I applaud you. It's hard not have conversations on this topic without being defensive or guarded. Being socially mature in this arena is not an easy task, but it is one we should all think about taking on. I'm not saying to do this today, these things are not automatic. Let's just all consider easing ourselves into it.

Alright cool. Next post I'll try to write about something that's funny? This one was heavy and the last one... well I can't think of a good word for it, but you know what I mean. More variety to come for future posts, I promise! I don't say this nearly enough, but thanks for reading! Seriously, I still can't believe people read this haha. Additionally, my sincerest apologies for any typos. If this were real life, I would print it and read it on real paper. But this is a blog, ain't nobody got time for that.

Self-image and Selfies and Such

Hello again friends. I hope all is well.

I've started writing a new blog post approximately eleven times this year.......

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about self image and how we want other people to see us. Respect is the major theme in all of this. Respect for ourselves and the respect we think we deserve or do not deserve from those around us. I've been thinking about it mostly in terms of physical image as well as... I guess the most accurate term would be status? I'm not sure about that, I might come up with something better and replace it, but for right now that's all I got.

I can't decide if social media and smartphones have unearthed immeasurable amounts of vanity or low-esteem. The "selfie" mode on my phone is actually called "beauty face," which I find hilarious, but I guess it's a nice pick me up. I really just can't believe we are living at a time where people take pictures of their own faces and upload them expecting other people to tell them how attractive they look. They put some dumb caption like "just me" to feign an air of casualness. Alert: you are not being casual. At. All.

I hesitated briefly writing about this because I thought men wouldn't want to read about it. But then I thought, there probably aren't that many men reading my blog. And if they are, then I guess they are okay with my "girlish" topics. But is this really a girlish topic? Because there are a way too many men in this world taking pictures of themselves at the gym, standing in front of weights they're not actually going to pick up... because they can't...

Admittedly there was a time in my life when I took selfies in a serious nature. This was before it was the phenomenon it is now. And, I was a 14 year old girl. So of course I was taking pictures of my face alone in my room when I got new sunglasses, or when I put on new lip gloss, or when I thought my boobies were worthy of three sassy finger snaps. Because I was a 14 year old girl. Full of insecurities, accessories as one of my biggest concerns, and nothing better to do because I already finished my homework before volleyball practice.

Why are people so anxious to have people they're not even close with confirm their beauty by clicking "like". Cool you got 98 likes on your selfie. You only talk to 4 of those people. What about affirmation from mere acquaintances gets people so excited?

Now don't get it twisted, anyone who knows me knows I am oh so accepting of a compliment. When you see my locs all wavy instead of just straight, it's because I spent extra hour doing my hair that week, so.... throw a sista some praise, and I will accept it graciously, knowing that my arduous labor has been appreciated and admired. But also, I do that because I like the way it looks when it's wavy. It's not just so someone can tell me it's pretty, it's so that when I look at it, I can say "Damngurllll" to myself. Yes, I really do say that to myself.

When a person posts a selfie that's not funny or at least serving as a record as something momentous like new bangs or 11 months growing out her locs then I just do not understand.. (if it wasn't obvious, those are the two non-funny selfies I myself have posted after my teen narcissism years.)  Don't even try to say you're just posting it to post it. You know you would be hella upset if you didn't get your desired amount of "likes." But why though? Who decided that this is the ultimate form of validation?

But I guess validation is better than the alternative. We can just be so hard on ourselves and sometimes, unknowingly, on each other. Everyone has something that they think they can work on, even if they have all the self confidence in the world. Once a friend told me she was surprised that I felt comfortable with my profile picture choice because the other girl in the picture was so gorgeous, and that she wouldn't be brave enough to do the same thing. She caught herself immediately, and told me that obviously I was pretty too. But it was already said. I knew she wasn't intentionally trying to offend me, but it still stung. I felt like I got suckered into an insecurity that wasn't mine.

Similarly, once a friend stated that "we" weren't as pretty as another one of our friends. And I almost said something, I didn't though. I think I just made one of those neutral sounds. Because it's one thing to put another woman on a pedestal and decide that your own looks don't measure up to hers, but to also rope someone else into that defeated mind frame, I don't think that's fair. I guess it's easier to be gloomy with company, but yuck. I just wasn't raised to declare that people are prettier than me. I know there are standards of beauty in this country that people often try to emulate (if possible) and when along comes a peer who seems to embody that standard it is easy to glorify him or her. But check yourself.

These little remarks often go undetected but when they are heard and actually processed, there is serious damage potential. I'm sure reading those little anecdotes may have triggered a memory of a similar incident that you've had, and seriously, my sincerest apologies if I was the culprit. I think it's just something we should be a little more conscious of. Because these interaction are happening with people we actually like. I'm not even going to delve into those classless, unkempt fools we can't stand. Not sure I'm mature enough to approach that at the current moment haha.

I mentioned status before, as another part of self image that we want to be viewed in the most agreeable light. I guess I'm looking at it from a socio-economic standpoint. For example, I've never been to public school, and at times when observing the Baltimore City Public School system, one can understand why my parents didn't let that happen. As an undergrad at Hopkins, when people found out I was a Baltimore native, they'd ask if I went to Poly or Western (public magnet schools). Offended, I'd respond that I went to Bryn Mawr, a private school. Most of my offense did not stem from the fact that they thought I went to public school, but a lot of people assumed that the only reason that Black kids from Baltimore got into Hopkins was because they went to public school so Hopkins just let them in. I'm stating that because multiple informed that that is what they believed, I'm not making this stuff up. I wanted to erase that thought from the jump. I worked as hard as anyone else to get into that school, and nothing was handed to me. Not that anything was handed to the students enrolled through the Baltimore Scholars program, but I just didn't appreciate the assumption.

I actually feel like that whole topic could be another post on its own to be really real. So now I have a jumping off point for my next ditty, or maybe not because my mind can be spastic so I'll probably want to write about something else. I guess this is actually a shorter post, but I have things to do. Like study for the GRE (shoot me in the face). Studying again?? I know crazy right. Too many ambitions over here. Ha. Also, disclaimer, I only proofread this like 1.5 times....

Peace out, girl scouts.