Etiquette

I've been wanting to talk about etiquette. Don't worry, I am aware that it's very broad topic, but as always, I will attempt to create a narrow enough focus to make you not hate reading this. It started plaguing my mind recently because a friend, who I know has her iPhone religiously stapled to her palm, did not return my text in a timely manner. That annoyingly common small incident made me think about other things that I expect people to do. Since I've started my new job, I've also been thinking about work place etiquette; that subject is simply endless. I also ruminated on etiquette involved with just talking to your friends and family (this I mean in terms of content, not necessarily use of media... hopefully that will become clearer momentarily.) I could probably make these 3 different posts, but I'm thinking about it all now, so it here it all goes.

I'm starting with....

WORK PLACE. I know that does not follow the order I so carefully revealed in my opening paragraph, but whatever, I do what I want. I feel like phone etiquette will transition well into friend etiquette so I stand by my new decision. So the workplace. I'm going to be careful about what I write here. I can't afford to lose that steady paycheck now, student loans are not a joke. (Side note: I meant to write a post with a title something like "I Am Ryan, The Temp," but apparently that never happened. Anyway, I am a temp right now, and *fingers crossed* soon to be permanent hire. WOO. Actually that's pretty real, I'll write a more legitimate post about that later.) There are three items on my list of office etiquette qualms. Well three items I feel that I can safely and respectfully delve into publicly. I apologize in advance, or perhaps already too late, for the extensive use of the word etiquette.

Item #1: Greetings.

I have a very real issue with people who are unfamiliar with how to greet other human beings. In my eyes, it should be a very simple process. You see someone for the first time that day in the office, you say: hi, hello, hey, good morning, how are you, etc. If you're not up for that, you can employ the smile and nod. My point is, you need to acknowledge that you see the human being you are walking by.  I was going to say "as the new girl" in the office, but as mentioned a post or two ago,  I'm trying to move towards calling 'em like I see 'em. When I answer the phone I say "this is Ms. Obot speaking," not "This is Ekaette (or Kae.)" Sometimes people on the phone call me Mrs. Obot and that really tickles me, because yayyyy someone thinks I sound like an adult. That contrasts sharply with the immediate offense I feel in person when people ask me if I have children, because I know I look like I'm 19. But I digress. Wow I digressed quite a bit... whoops. So what I was saying was, as the new person in the office, I assumed everyone would be greeting me left and right.  Not the case.

It was/still is a very interesting dynamic. Some people made a direct point to introduce themselves to me. Others did not. I know all of the managers and the CFO and CEO. They are all quite friendly. They feel comfortable making jokes with me in passing, they say good morning to me, they ask me if I have anything good for lunch that day. 

The way my desk is set up, pretty much everyone in the office has to walk by me at some point in their work day. My computer is facing this walkway and there is no wall. The point is, you can see me, so you have to actively decide not to say hello to me. When people walk to their offices they pass a conference room, my boss's boss's office, and then me. There's no getting around it. Certain people would greet my boss's boss as they made their way down the hall, fall silent when they passed my desk, and tnen continue to say good morning once they arrived at the next desk. Obviously these people were among those who never introduced themselves to me in the first place. These people earned a big red "R" on their foreheads. The "R" stands for rude.

After a week, I started pointedly greeting these rude folks. And when they'd look at me, apparently so startled that I spoke to them, I'd have a very well crafted look on my face. Anyone who knows me, knows I can give a look. I used to be unaware that my face was even capable looks (it caused me quite a bit of trouble growing up), so now I try to use it to my advantage.

The look says this:

Oh. You weren't gonna say good morning? What? Do you think you're too cute to say good morning? Am I not good enough for a good morning from you? I guarantee you that I am, because I'm pleasant, dammit! But I can't be fully pleasant when you're being rude. So now that I've accosted you with this greeting, I hope you take some time to reflect on your rudeness. Don't you feel weird being rude to a person who is smiling at you so warmly, but her eyes say "get your shit together".. because you should.

All that in a brief look, you ask.

Yes.

Item #2: Bathroom Manners

This one won't be as long but I still feel very passionate about it. We have 4 bathrooms in our office. Two are co-ed, one is women only, one is men only. Since I started working there in late May and up until yesterday, some of these adults do not know how to approach a bathroom. It's single stall, so you think it would be obvious to knock and wait for a response before aggressively trying to break down the door. But nope. Apparently some people's parents did not teach them that. Once while I was loudly screaming "OCCUPIED" someone almost broke the lock trying to get in. I guess he or she couldn't hear me screaming over the sound of his or her beast like force. That scary episode has darkened my day 3 times since.

Then we have the opposite, which might be arguably worse. There are people who do not lock the door and elect to say absolutely diddly squat when someone knocks and opens the door. Have you no decency?? I didn't want to expose you.. that's why I knocked. I can only conclude that you wanted to me to expose you, because I know you're not a mute. That also leads me to my second conclusion that you are in fact, the worst. I just want to emphasize that these people struggling are adults, not toddlers just learning to potty train. This struggle is astonishing in the worst way.

Item #3: The Name Game

Alright, so we all know I have a "complicated" name. Even some of my best friends are under the impression that my name is really long. But it's only 7 letters, 15 if you include middle and last. So seriously how hard could it be? My first couple of days at work when I told people my name, most people would ask "Okay, what's your nickname?" No attempt whatsoever to pronounce what was just said to them. For people like the CEO and CFO I didn't mind as much. I was told jokingly that it was impressive for them to remember names in the first place. I would just like to point out that learning how to say my 4 syllable, 7 letter first name would make you more likely to remember my name since you actually have to put in effort to learn what it is. I can't tell you how many people named John or Sarah I've met in my life, I'm really supposed to remember Sarah number 27? No offense to any John or Sarah that is reading this, I'm just trying to make a point. When I meet someone with a new name, I don't forget it because it's interesting and unique. My friend Meena for example, given her name isn't complicated, but I don't know anyone else with that name.

This is Meena. Isn't she pretty?

I just find it pretty offsetting when people tell me that they don't care enough to put aside a few extra seconds to learn my name or even attempt to pronounce it once. Some people did show me the slight courtesy of asking what my nick name was and then asking which I prefer. I think it's pretty obvious that I prefer being called the name that I said initially. One woman asked me how to say my name after had been working there after about a month and half, because she was forced to interact with me directly. -_- I picked up most people's names just from hearing people talk and putting some pieces together. I guess that's what I was expected to do. It was intriguing to me that some people who had never introduced themselves, expected me to know who they were when they needed something from me. I would take those opportunities to say "I'm sorry, what's your name? I don't think we've ever been introduced," always using another one of my looks to communicate, YOU have never introduced yourself to me, Rudeness. I capitalized the "R" there because I'm using Rudeness as a proper noun.

Now now, don't go around thinking I'm being a big baby. I realize people are rude and that's the way of the world, but I figured that would happen in professional settings on a larger scale. This is office is not big enough for that kind of nonsense. In terms of literal space and number of people. But I guess I can't have it all, which is a valuable lesson that I need to learn. I started to learn that in AmeriCorps (still need to write about that, sorry) and I'm continuing to learn that working in the real world. The lesson being: Not everyone is polite, and not everyone will like you. I think of myself as a pretty likable person, and I honestly think of that as a marketable skill. Because let me tell you, not everyone is likable. And if you are one of those people that thinks everyone is likable... everyone probably dislikes that about you. Haha too much? 

Then I had to remind myself that this specific office community existed before I entered it. It makes sense with any position, anywhere, that once you're on board you could very well be walking into some drama that you have no idea bout. Sometimes you can't enter a situation with a clean slate, because the circumstances just don't allow it. But I've decided to be okay with this. I can't be more specific than that about this drama that I'm alluding to, because I don't think it would be appropriate. But perhaps I could be crafty about it at a later time. 

Okay, okay, enough of that. Now let's talk about... 

PHONES. I mostly want to address certain people not responding to things in an appropriate time frame and people (typically the same people) who cannot hold a decent conversation in person because they cannot refrain from texting. If I talked about all my cell phone issues, we'd be all night. (I was initially going to write "we be all night," ode to Bey~, but I didn't know if it would have been immediately recognized and appreciated, so I'm just doing it here.) I would like to start a movement. I know it won't be worldwide, nationwide, region wide, state wide, or city wide, I'm just gonna look out for me right now, and perhaps people in my circle would take heed and we can a get lil' ripple effect to pop off. When I am talking to you face to face, I should take 1000% precedent over someone who is sending you a text which is probably not life threatening. Sometimes I'll say something to you that requires an immediate response. I don't know maybe because we were having a conversation. 

And then there is this pause. Because you are texting someone. Sometimes I had just said something funny, and a laugh was expected and required. Sometimes I had just said something that made me feel a little vulnerable and I needed you to verify if what I said was okay. The laugh doesn't count 6 seconds later. The comfort is no longer comforting after you say "hold on let me send this text." Then I have to sit there, dismissed, while you communicate with someone who apparently is more important. I would like to point out something that I used to believe was obvious, but enough annoying encounters have proven to me that it is not apparent to everyone. Unless you are texting some weird, needy sucker, he will not notice if your text is delivered 10 seconds later because you took a moment to not be rude to the person sitting right next to you. 

Now on the flip side of this, when you demonstrate that texting gives you *life*, and you would rather make an in person conversation awkward or annoying just so that your texting life flows smoothly, that creates certain expectations for when I text you. I'm sure everyone knows which of their friends don't put their phones down. We know this about our friends because when we are in their presence, they don't put their phones down (easy detective work.) And, we would like to assume that we are just as entertaining as the next person, so this must be the norm for every person that ole phone-hand comes into contact with. I would say that these phone-hand people know who they are, but maybe they don't. Maybe it's become too much of the norm. 

I've been guilty of phone-hand situation as well. I know exactly when it happens. 1) When I'm texting a new boy.. 2) When I'm doing it to someone who had been doing it to me a lot that day, or right in the middle of them doing it. 

Sorry about scenario 1. But at least I can admit it, and at least it's specific and not chronic. As for scenario 2, I'm not sure if it's actually effective. Maybe when I join my comrades in phone-hand, they are having a silent sigh of relief, praising the heavens that I no longer would like to engage in face to face communication with them and have finally found someone else, somewhere else, to talk to instead. But let me not put words in their thought bubbles. I don't know what they're thinking. I cannot really decipher the minds of the phone-hand clan. But if you are my friend, and you read this, I hope you don't do it to me anymore, because I hate it, and I don't want to hate you.

I know what you're thinking. Don't be a punk. Why wouldn't you just tell your friends that in person?

And that brings me seamlessly to etiquette issue three...

Shall we call this... FRIENDIQUETTE? One of the nice things about friends is that you don't have to be as nice to them as you are to strangers. Isn't that weird? I learned in a recent customer service training at work that at Disney World, the most common question that people ask the workers is: What time is the 3 o'clock parade? 

Now as a professional, they have to answer the question, with a smile on their face. If my friend asked me that question, I would laugh and make fun of her immediately. I'm pretty sure that's not just me, I think that's part of being close with a people. You don't have to put up a front of politeness, you can be real with them. If they ask a dumb question, you can laugh. If they're about to do something stupid, you can tell them why it's stupid. If you're worried about a decision they've made or haven't made, you can tell them, because you are there to support them, it's not just a judgmental outsider perspective. 

There are many factors that go into this. Delivery is a big one. There's a fine line between being honest and being the worst. How honest can you be with a person before it becomes too much? Is it kosher to tell someone that he or she is irritating you? Is that allowed? Or are we just supposed to be passive aggressive until we eventually get over whatever the situation is? I guess the answer goes to back to delivery, it's all in the details. The way you say things are sometimes more important than the thing that's actually said. You have to think about how that person is going to react to what you say, and determine whether or not that reaction is something you're prepared to deal with. Sometimes I don't think people think about the reaction part. For example, anytime my mother says anything to upset me, I simply ask her how she thought I was going to react. She always knows the answer, but it becomes apparent that she either didn't think about it or was hoping that I had magically become a little less like myself. 

That's usually the case with me. On the rare occasion that I actually am brutally honest with someone about a tough or uncomfortable topic, I hope that he or she will react in the understanding, elevated way. But this usually isn't the case. We're dealing with humans here. We have egos. We have emotions. The truth is not always something that we want to hear, or will even accept as fact. And I know my delivery isn't the best. Though I will say this, I will initially make a concerted effort to deliver my thoughts in the most digestible way possible, when I'm dealing with a tender topic. If we're talking about something that doesn't necessarily deal with emotions or possible hurt feelings that could linger past that one isolated moment, then you know me, that sass is off the chain. 

I'm not 100% honest with everyone all the time. I don't believe that anyone is, that might be exhausting. But as I'm getting older, I'm seeing that I owe it to myself, my friends, and family to be real with them. My coping mechanism with unpleasantness is typically to hold it in, pull back from whomever and whatever the unpleasantness stemmed from, and eventually drift back, if possible, once my anger or whatever emotion I'm feeling passes. I'm realizing this is not healthy. Some things just have to be addressed. So bear with me, as I try to figure out what the proper etiquette is there. This doesn't mean I'm going around tearing people apart every time I have an undesirable interaction with them, I'm classier than that. I wouldn't want someone freaking out at me every time I did something she didn't like. But I know I definitely need to reach a better balance. I'll be sure to advertise if I come across any enlightenment on this topic. 

I know there should be some kind of sum-it-all-up paragraph, or at least short statement here. But, this is blog, do I have to do that? Would you have accepted my ending if I had stopped at the last paragraph? I just want to make this enjoyable. If anyone wants to answer these questions I have posed in this paragraph or any of the previous paragraphs. Please don't be shy, these aren't really rhetorical questions.