Practical Dream Job vs. DREAM DREAM Job

I'm not sure if it's just me, but when I think about my future, I see three routes. The first is my practical dream job, which is to become a lawyer, specifically practicing health law. The second option would be to own my own magazine - I have a very specific audience I would like to reach with this magazine which I will not disclose here in case I decide to go for it one day. This is my DREAM DREAM job. The third scenario would occur if world peace were achieved and everyone loved each other and there were rainbows every day and each child had puppy to play with. This job, if you can even call it that, is the job of being a princess. I'm not kidding. If someone told me my father was actually a prince and I had to go back to his homeland to rule as princess, a la Princess Diaries, there would be no movie. I would be on a plane in the first five minutes.

None of my dream jobs are easily achievable. My lawyer dream is going to take an incomprehensible amount of hard work and dedication, coupled with an equally unbelievable amount of student loans. My parents so graciously helped me pay for undergraduate school and after that I am on my own. Further schooling is my decision and will be my debt to pay. I'm really not looking forward to that. I often fantasize about my life as a future lawyer, being one small player who can hopefully create big changes. I think that the future of our country in terms of its health and well-being depends greatly upon policies and legislation put forth concerning health care. Learning about health disparities in Baltimore City also propelled a desire to be in a position to effect policies that compromise the health of minorities and those with low socioeconomic statuses. The best way I could see myself effecting change in this way is to achieve a dual degree (J.D./M.P.H.), so that is my current goal.

But in the back of my mind, despite knowing that my lawyer dream is a practical one that could yield positive and effective results for myself and others, I can't help but think about my more creative side. Though I have no experience writing for any published media like a school paper, writing is one of my strongest passions. I love writing short stories, and hope to write a novel one day. I've just discovered the grandeur of blogging and I'm glad I did. So my dream of owning my own magazine stems from a place of mingled entities. I think that high self esteem is one of the most important tools a young girl or young woman can equip herself with. Self esteem is important for everyone, but young girls and women who are discovering their changing bodies, discovery sexuality, discovering boys, discovering self-consciousness - their self-esteem is constantly at a tipping point. I think that young women glean a lot from magazines. They are an accessible gateway to make up and fashion, celebrities and trends. As much as these things may not technically rule the world, everyone can accept that your average 14 year old girl will be entranced by them. I think each and every little girl deserves the right to look in a magazine and see a beautiful woman who looks like her, to reinforce the fact that she, herself, is beautiful.

Now obviously there would be more to my magazine than that, but I won't delve into all of that here. Alas, this is one of dreams, combining my love of fashion, celebrities who earn the right to be loved and inspirational, writing, and all things aesthetically pleasing. But this is not the practical route. There is no security blanket, nothing to tell me if this could be a sure bet. I would love to say it's not about money but it partially is. I want to be able to take care of my family the way they have taken care of me and beyond. My parents are still paying off my college loans and will be for a while, is it worth it to take the gamble on a career path that I'm not sure will produce the results I want? Maybe this magazine (or online magazine) could be something I begin after I've accomplished all I want from the legal field, but by then it might be too late.

I'm thinking a lot about this now as I bravely continue my job search. I have started applying to positions that I am genuinely interested in, not just jobs that will be a stepping stone towards my practical dream job. Part of me is nervous that if I get my foot in the door with a company more along the lines of my DREAM DREAM job then that's the path I'll take, leaving all my law school research and LSAT studying behind. Is that such a bad thing? It could be totally worth it. I have to keep in my mind that I'm 22, well 23 next month, but that's still young. There's so much of the world that I haven't experienced, and now is the time, if any, to go soak it all in. For now, I'm going to allow myself to apply for these jobs that sound "fun" and see what happens. I don't want to limit myself, and miss my big break, or my golden opportunity, or my dream job that could come from a dream that I didn't even know I had.

Reunions and Such

With my college homecoming 2 weeks away and my 5 year high school reunion in a little over a month, I thought it would be appropriate to write about what I'm thinking as these occasions approach. I've changed, my friends have changed, relationships have changed. There's always some kind of reunion episode on your favorite sitcom, because it's such a dynamic part of life. So many emotions, so many feelings. Oh the drama haha.

First let's talk about my 5 year high school reunion. This makes me feel old. I know, I know, I'm not actually "old." I'm still 22 (really almost 23). But 5 years! 5 years since high school?!? That just seems like crazy talk. Unlike a lot of people I know, I had a fabulous time in high school. I got good grades, I played a lot of sports (which accounts for the great shape I was in then, but now not so much), I was a bit of a social butterfly but I still had a great group of best friends. Also senior year I had a car, so I was truly living the life. I still reminisce fondly over Prom, especially Senior Prom because I rocked that yellow gown. I was definitely on top of the world, or at least I was in the eyes and world of a 17 year old girl.

Me, having the time of my life at prom. I told you, I love prom.

I went to an all girls school. We were expected to be excellent in all senses of the word. Though it made us strive to be our best, it also brought out the worst in us. The prime example of that was college application time. We had a white board in our Senior room, a place where we could just hang out on gross couches, not bothered by teachers or underclassmen. Usually the white board was filled with nonsense, but once spring time rolled around, each senior's name was written on the board with a dash next to it. The empty space next to your name was for you to write the name of the college you planned on attending. There was a memorable uproar over the Early Action decision from Georgetown. Of course half of the girls in our grade applied to Georgetown. Of course at the time, that was my number one choice. When we found out only girl had been accepted Early Action, she promptly told us that it was her safety school. I don't think I need to explain why that was horrible and rude. Someone was always finding out you got accepted into her dream school that put her on the wait list. There were all these fake "congratulations" being thrown about, but it really meant "I hate you, even though I've known you since first grade, and I'm green with envy, but I'm going to bare my teeth enough to feign plastering on a fake smile and pretend to be happy for you."

So as you can imagine, if we were that competitive then, I anticipate this reunion being even more of a competition. Who's working where? Who's getting what degree? Dear Lord, I hope you graduated from undergrad, if not the smirks will be present, unless you have a good excuse like a gap year. Who has a serious boyfriend and might be getting engaged soon? Who's already engaged? Who's already MARRIED? I'm anticipating a big white board with my name written on it, with the expectation that I'll fill in all my noteworthy accomplishments after the dash. I'm crossing my fingers that I'll be employed by then, I still have a little over a month. Repeatedly telling people you are unemployed is not fun. Even though I'll probably preface it by saying that I enrolled in AmeriCorps for 4 months after graduation and it was the worst experience of my life, it still isn't where I'd like to be, or where I saw myself, 5 years after high school graduation.

So in addition to the competitive, professional aspect, there is the social aspect. Do I actually want to see these people? For the most part, the answer is yes. In high school I was essentially friends with at least one person in every clique in our grade. Yes there were cliques. Cliques are established in every situation ever, and if someone tells you differently, he or she is lying is lying to you and his or herself. So there are people that I was good enough friends with high school that I haven't seen since graduation. It's hard to keep up with people who aren't your best friends when you go off to college. It's hard to keep up with your best friends from high school when you go off to college.

Then there are the people who you were best friends with in high school but you're not best friends anymore or even friends at all, but not on purpose. I guess sometimes you just fall out of friendship. (Like falling out of love, but platonic). What do you do when you see those people? You'll have to talk to them like a pedestrian. Like any other person from your class, because you don't really know anything about their lives from past 5 years. But if anyone asks you about that person's life from 2005 - 2009, you know every detail without skipping a beat. It's so strange. But hey, relationships change and people change, and if you both can accept that, then that's all anyone can ask for, I guess. There are some friends that I have gone months and months maybe even years without speaking to, but when we do reunite, we just pick up where we left off and it's seamless and easy. These are people I considered some of my best friends, not my best best friend. I think falling out of friendship with your best best friend is harder to float back into after separation because you never thought that was a relationship that would ever falter. There is more emotion tied to it. A bigger and deeper connection was severed, therefore harder to piece back together, and maybe when it's broken like that, it's not meant to be restored to its original state.

There are also the people you would just rather not see. I don't believe that any human being is honestly capable of liking every person he or she meets. Inevitably, in high school there were some people that I did not care for. I didn't have any archenemies or anything dramatic like that, mostly because I was pretty amiable on the outside. I didn't see the point in letting every girl know when I was ready to kick her in the neck, unless it was completely necessary haha. So for the most part, I got along with everyone. But you know that feeling of sweet relief when you graduate from high school? 1. Because you finally did it. 2. That annoying girl who was always just around (and you couldn't figure out why people kept inviting her places because she irritated the bejeezus out of everyone), you didn't have to deal with her anymore!! Au contraire mon frere, it's the 5 year reunion. She's back! If you're lucky you only had one person you felt that way about, but I have a couple. And I'm pleasant so they will talk to me. I know that sounds really horrible, but I'm just keeping it real haha. Unfortunately we don't live in a society where it's acceptable to tell people you dislike them and that you'd rather not talk to them. I know that would be terrible thing to say, but just imagine how much happier you'd be if you could casually dismiss people in social situations who make you want to punch them. A girl can dream, right?

This is a picture of me and my friend Ruth-Ann circa 2008. She's still one of my best friends, I just love this picture and think it's a perfect examples of facial expressions that will be rampant during our 5 year reunion. Also, I hope you enjoy this look at how I used to dress myself in high school.

Alright now on to Hopkins homecoming. Yes homecoming is in the spring because of lacrosse. It's a Baltimore thing, we like lacrosse here. The spring concert for my a cappella group also happens to be on homecoming weekend. I feel less pressure about these events than I do for my high school events. Though I don't have a job yet (but hey, who knows, maybe by then I will?), I almost feel like I just left college. This may be because I try to pretend like AmeriCorps never happened and sucked 4 months out of my life that I'll never get back, who can be sure? This reunion is also on a much larger scale. My high school class was about 85 people, my Hopkins class was about 1,200 and this isn't a reunion for just us, it's homecoming and young alumni weekend, meaning everyone who graduated in the last 5 years is still considered a young alum. I know how these weekends go. If I can be frank, people just get drunk and reminisce about old times.

Make no mistake, professional and educational standings will come up, but in my case I don't think I'll feel as compelled to seem impressive at this point in my life with my college crowd. Half of the people from my class in high school I have known since I was 6 years old. My school has a day care, which they pretentiously call the "Infant and Toddler Center," so you can attend Bryn Mawr from birth until college in Pennsylvania. Since I feel like those people know a different side of me, they'll be expecting something specific. Whereas college folk, they were there for the nitty gritty, when I went from teenager to young adult. They saw me at the beginning of the "life is hard" realization point, so their standards may be different.

But to be completely honest, at the end of the day it doesn't technically matter what people think. I can't help to think about it, but I recognize that it doesn't really make a difference. I know I'm doing the best I can with my life and that's enough for me. I can't always be on top of the world - but that's up to my own definition, not someone else's. So overall, I'm excited! I'm not sure if I conveyed that haha. But April at Hopkins is always fun (t - 25 days until Spring Fair!!), and I refuse not have fun in May because it's my birthday month (WOO). My main goal for these reunions, therefore, is to have fun. I'm 22, so fun, along with somewhat trying to be an adult, should be my focus, so that's how I'm gonna play it.

I also wanted to talk briefly about a deeper layer of reunions and friendships and all that jazz. Friendships inevitably change, and I'm slowly learning to be okay with that. Someone who is your best friend today may not be your best friend in 2 years. Since I can remember, I've always been in multiple circles of best friends. When I was in elementary school I was in 2 separate but very close knit groups, and being the social butterfly that I was, I had a new best best friend every month. The same pattern continued in middle school, but in high school I kept my best best friendships to a minimum. I only stayed in regular contact with a handful of my friends from high school when I went to college, but I think that's natural. It would be exhausting to keep up casual friendships with people you no longer see every day. I met some of my best friends in college as well, and after graduation the same filtering effect took place. It's just not that easy to keep in constant communication with people when you don't see them in the quad or in class. But now that I've graduated from college, I have my best friends from high school and my best friends from college. Two big circles, and some little ditties on the side haha.

When I think about my parents, and their friends it makes me wonder who I'll still be best friends with in 20 years. My dad has one best friend from college that he still talks to, Uncle Mike. Uncle Mike is his best friend, and my dad is his. I was a flower girl in Uncle Mike's wedding, the whole shabang. My mom had a best friend circle from high school and they all went to college together, but she had one friend, Aunt Rose, who was her best best friend and she was hers. So I guess that's how I view what a best friend is. An equal agreement that you are each other's number one's. It's almost like you're dating, because everyone knows and respects it, and you both know. I'm not sure why I put so much stock in being someone's best best friend as opposed to one of someone's best friends, but I do. And I do know that you can't view and treat a person as your best best friend if you're only one of his or her best friends, it just doesn't work. Don't get me wrong, I am honored and grateful to have all of the best friends that I have. They are each very special to me and I have no idea how I would function without them. But sometimes I can't help but to think about how that filtering process will pan out when I get to be my parents' age (late 40's early 50's). Maybe I'll be different, but I don't know many people my parents' age with 10 best friends.

So anyway, those are just the things I've been thinking about as reunion time rolls around. I'm realizing I kind of treat this blog like a journal, and I think I'm into it. I think this might be one of my longer ones, so I'm just gonna stop typing now.