Living with the Parents: Is It Worth It?

Like many 20-somethings, I have been grappling with the benefits and limitations of living at home with my parents. On one hand, it's free shelter, free food, free wifi, and free cable. Also, my parents sweat me pretty hard, so it's nice getting bear hugs and having someone tell you you're pretty every day. These things are nice for the self esteem and also for the recent college graduate looking for a job.

On the other hand, I share a wall with my parents. As you can imagine, sometimes this is not pleasant. Also, I am typically stuck in my house because I am car-less. Long story short - my parked car, Scar, named after Simba's uncle, was hit by a police car that was chasing some fool. The replacement car that was purchased was sent to my family in Nigeria, so obviously I was not going to be a brat and complain that I wasn't given another car. My parents were kind enough to get me a car in high school, so if I want another one, I'll get it myself. 

If I end up getting a job in Baltimore and continue living at home, a car is pretty necessary. There are a whopping 3 bus lines that are near my house. In order to get anywhere that a person would actually desire to go, it takes about an hour. So then you have to decide whether or not you are willing to spend an entire hour riding to a place that is a 13 minute drive away. I am usually not willing. Especially when it's cold as the dickens outside. 

This means that I basically leave my house when one of my friends or cousins is willing to scoop me (read: save me). Or my parents. But I see my parents all the time. I've now been home for about 2 and 1/2 months. Since high school graduation the only time that I've lived at home for this amount of time is summer vacation, which is the case for most 20-somethings. The 3 month marker is coming up in a couple weeks. Can my adult self survive in this environment past that point? 

You may be wondering why I speak of this environment as something that I need to escape. I've got the perfect set up right? Wrong. My parents have repeatedly told me they can't help but to think of me as a 15 year old girl. I think it's my cheeks. They're adorable, and that's just not my fault. The point is, I don't think this is a natural set up. I believe I've reached a point where I should be able to function on my own. I don't think I can really start my growing up process if I don't get out there and figure things out for myself. Especially considering the fact that I went to college in my hometown (though I did live on campus) and my time in AmeriCorps was cut short due to my inability let myself continue to endure torture, I really do need to get out on my own. 

The weary adult (my parents, older cousins, aunts, uncles, etc...) is continuously imploring how financially rewarding it would be for me to live at home for a few years and save some money. I totally understand the concept, but I truly believe my mental health might suffer if I continue to live at home. Ultimately it is my adult decision that I must make by myself - stay at home and save money, or move out and finally be on my own. I am so grateful to have my parents as a support system, and I don't know where I would be today if not for their support throughout my entire life. But in my brain, my current situation is a temporary one, and I think that's the way it has to be. 

Will I kick myself years down the road? Will my need for independence and liberation end up hindering me? I know no one can really answer that for me, and I can't either. It's just a chance I have to be willing and ready to take. 

Words You Want to Hear and Words You Don't

You're hired! 

The amount of joy these two words can bring a human being is immeasurable. I went for my first interview in NYC this week, and I was hired. Crazy right!? She didn't actually say the words "you're hired." I think she said something along the lines of "we'd love to have you work with us," which is even more pleasing.

But let's rewind. I've sent in A LOT of emails and applications to different firms and companies in Baltimore and DC, and some in New York. This was actually the first job I applied to in New York, and my first call for an interview, and subsequently my first job offer. Before that I was wallowing in a world of self-pity and desperation feeling rejected at every turn. This is way different from college applications. The average person applies to 10 schools max I think (I applied to 15 because I was unnecessarily paranoid). You have your reach, attainable, and safety schools. Unfortunately with jobs, a "safety" job may not necessarily give you the ability to pay the rent, eat 3 meals a day, and have running water. So you have to aim big. Not to mention, you didn't spend 4 years struggling through hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of lectures and exams not to attain that "reach" job. You've worked hard, so you want the best benefit you can manage. Also with school applications, your rejection seems more finite because you receive a rejection letter. If a company doesn't want you, most of the time you just don't hear back from them. I didn't hear back from DSW, and I won't lie, I was a little offended haha.

I was offered a job working with a marketing firm in Manhattan, and needless to say, I was ecstatic. But then reality set in and I was forced to employ adult decision making abilities. Even though this position seems that it could be a perfect fit, being able to support myself on my own is very important to me. If my parents have to support me for the first 2 months that I am living "on my own," I feel that that would essentially defeat the purpose. New York is an extremely expensive place to live, so if I choose to live there, I think it's my responsibility to make sure I can live there, not my parents or anyone else's.

                                                     
That being said, I have decided that I want to live in New York, so I'm going to work very hard to make sure it can be a reality. Being offered a job in such a vast, vibrant city that I'm so excited to explore, has given me the confidence to persevere through my search in the hopes of finding a job that I will love and will give me ability to support myself.

I still have a lot of avenues to explore. Finding a place to live, then finding a job that will support me living in said place. I'm doing my best to exhaust all of my resources. I typically like to be a self sufficient person and maintain my independence. But now is not the time. This is the time for networking, asking for favors, and letting people help you. It's crazy how much people can actually want to help you. When I went up to New York this week for my interview I stayed with two friends, one from college and one from AmeriCorps. They gave me food and shelter and invaluable lessons on how to use the subway. Another friend printed and brought my resume to a bar in a manila envelope because I forgot to handle it before I left home. Life saver, that girl. I'm forever grateful to these friends, and the ones who have helped me in the past, and those who'll help me in the future.

                                             Me and my friend Emily in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

I've still got some stuff to figure out, but I honestly feel like I'm finally on my way, and that's such an exciting feeling! But for real, adult/life decisions are no joke... I'm gonna do my best.

Be Comfortable with Your Natural Self!

Over the last few decades, it seems that Black women have been going through a hair revolution but the movement has been especially strong over the past few years. More and more women have committed to rocking their natural hair. I personally did the big chop in February of 2011. I can't believe it's already been three years! For those who don't know, "the big chop" is when you cut off all of your relaxed (or chemically processed hair) and your natural hair remains. I was left with a teenie weenie afro which got bigger and bigger - I just started locking my hair in September. I'm pretty ecstatic about it!

This can a very trying process for women. Hair is such a symbol of a woman's attractiveness. For decades, Black women have chemically straightened their hair in attempt to be closer to a certain standard of beauty - a standard maintained by the White woman with long flowing hair. In the 70's Black women proudly picked their afros, going right along with the Black Power Movement. In the 80's and 90's we tapered back into processed hairstyles. This millennium has brought back pride in natural hair. We see Black celebrities wearing their natural hair on the red carpet. This is big!

As much as we like to believe that our lives aren't shaped by what celebrities do, they do have the power to make a big influence on the general public. There was a time when people felt very strongly that Black women and men (particularly men with dread locs) should not wear such hairstyles in the office because they are not professional. I said "there was a time," but I'll be candid, in many places that mind frame still pervades.

It is hard for many to see natural Black hair as a professional representation of a woman. This is why I am so glad to see that so many prominent women proudly wearing their natural hair. For example,

                                                                      YaYa DeCosta

                                                                            Alicia Keys

                                                                       Solange Knowles

                                                                          Janelle Monae

                                                                                 Lauryn Hill

                                                                               Tracee Ellis Ross

                                                                       
                                                                                 Lisa Bonet

                                                                         Tempestt Bledsoe

                                                                               Erykah Badu

                                                                                Kelis

There's a lot of talk about "good hair" and how it's easier for women with good hair to go natural. This is the same fundamental problem. I really wish that Black women with every range of hair type could feel confident about their hair and themselves. I think if we see more Black women in positions of power, and not just celebrity, wearing their natural hair, there could be a trickle down effect. If we saw women like Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey wearing a twist out or bantu knots - how crazy would that be?!

When I cut my hair and when I started to lock my hair, I did not think of any professional repercussions. According to my parents that should have been part of my decision. I understand where they're coming from. If I run into an employer who has yet to jump on the progressive band wagon and thinks my hair is inappropriate, then perhaps that is not someone for whom I would I like to work. Or maybe I could just sue them? That could be fun.. haha. I made my hair decisions based completely on me and how I feel about myself. I wanted the freedom to rock my hair the way it was naturally intended to be rocked. I still remember the feeling after my big chop. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. And that was true. The burden to conform to certain standard that was not my natural self was then removed and I've never looked back since!

A lot of my friends have joined team natural since high school. Once I get a picture of us all together with our natural hair, I'll be sure to post a picture.

Stay Local or Explore?

Fun fact about my life, I'm an aspiring lawyer. I'm specifically aiming to work in health law, maybe something dealing with health care policies or medical malpractice. I did get something out of my B.A. in Public Health Studies - mad props to my parents for helping me pay for that, the opposite of mad props to the student loans that I have to pay. I won't be in law school for a little bit (I'll be applying this fall), so in the interim, for my sanity, progress, and stability - mental and financial - I am in search of a job.

My search has focused mainly on my hometown because this is where I have happily accepted the free food and shelter my parents have so graciously offered me. My initial plan after college was to do AmeriCorps for a year and come home for the summer, and head to law school the following fall. But AmeriCorps did not go the way it was supposed to go (huge understatement). So here I am typing up this blog, with my dad snoring in the next room.

I am slowly realizing that it may not be wise to limit my scope to one city. For all I know, there's a job in Philly with my name on it, or maybe Boston. I have been telling myself that I've been looking at local positions for financial reasons. If I get a job in my current city, I can live at home for a little while longer and save money, but then again that's only when I get a job.

BUT, let's say I do get a job in another city. In this economic environment is it worth it to spend my paychecks from my first real salary on things like rent and groceries?

These are tough decisions, man.

I also have to wrestle with the fact that I went to undergraduate school in my hometown, and the I attended 1st - 12 grade was literally 9 minutes down the road. Yes, I just google mapped it to make sure I gave the accurate time. So part of me really needs to know what it's like to live truly on my own, without the security blanket of my family, and friends I've known since I was 6.

Sorry there's no cute picture to go along with this post. It would probably just be a picture of me face-palming, so I think it's better this way.

Bachelor of Beer Pong

Maneuvering the college party after graduation is an interesting task. When you're 8 months out like me, sometimes you forget that you shouldn't wear your nice suede boots to a party where people throw ping pong balls into red cups. There will be splashes, but you can't complain, because let's be real, you knew better.

Now when I say college party, I am referring to parties thrown in a home. A home that is preferably not a fraternity house. I think it goes without saying that you're most likely friends with whomever is hosting the event, because at this point in your unbelievably mature adult life (mostly sarcasm there), if you show up randomly at a college house party, you were invited. So technically it's not random, someone wants you there. You should therefore be comfortable and happy with the fact that you're there.

My motto is: if you are pleasant, the party will be pleasant to you. There is no need to pretend like you don't know how college parties work. Drink your drink, play a game or two, reminisce about freshman year. Don't bring up academia, no one cares about that. Just kidding, if you went to a college like mine, there is a 72% chance that a question about your academic and/or professional goals will come up right after that last swig of tequila, so whatever, just go with the flow.

The aim is to have fun and revel in the ruckus that is your very recent past. Bask in the fact that you can get a free drink, but know that the beer will be cheap and the jungle juice will be questionable. But it's free! That being said, if you know your body can no longer handle these economical alcoholic delights, do not forget the art of the pre-game and by all means, BYOB. 

So if you're in your college town, feel free to enjoy these parties while you still can, because in a couple of years, it will actually be weird. More on that when I get there.

Me and some friends (2 of us already graduated) at a college party. Get at us.

Ekaette vs. Kae

Names are an essential part of an identity. The sound of one's own name has the strongest auditory stimuli. Your name is also what you use when making a name for yourself (the redundancy there was pretty unavoidable.) My full first name is Ekaette, it's Nigerian. Pronounced the American way, that I guess my mom and I developed, it is "Uh-kai-yuh-tay", emphasis on the "kai." In all honesty it's truly not that hard to pronounce, but there are two things that I've noticed when I tell people my first name: they ask me to pronounce it again for clarification or they just smile and nod politely with a look in their eyes that says "why did just girl just speak gibberish at me?"

I don't have an accent, and I guess I don't look anything but Black American (to the untrained eye - other Nigerians can spot me from a mile away), so when I spew something non-American when telling people my name, I guess it throws them for a loop. When I meet people for the first time I do a quick evaluation of them to see whether or not it's worth it to teach them how to pronounce my name. If the person is a friend of a friend of a friend that I'm making small talk with they just get Kae, there's not point in investing effort - is that harsh? But let's say I'm meeting a good friend's sister for the first time. That person is a keeper, she gets the whole name.

It's a whole different ball game as I've been trying to figure out which name I should be using professionally. In college I was definitely Ekaette in classes with 20 or less students, and Kae with bigger classes. I always wrote Ekaette on papers and exams and Ekaette is in my email signature. I did, however, let some bosses call me Kae because sometimes you can just tell when people aren't even going to try. Sometimes people are too old, sometimes just too American if you know what I mean. But now I'm on the road to make a name for myself as a professional adult. My full name in a professional setting could have its limitations. Unless you are Nigerian or familiar with the culture, there's most likely no chance of you simply reading my name and pronouncing it correctly. The typical American comes up with "E-Kate" or "Eh-Ket" and calls it a day. And since I would be starting at the bottom of the totem pole as a 22 year old fresh on the work scene with a Bachelor's, bosses may simply not care if they get my name right, or not care for me correcting them. Ekaette does have its benefits though. It's unique and once you learn how to pronounce it, you don't forget it. So really, my name could help me make a name for myself in a way that other more common names simply cannot.

So when they ask me, "Do you have a nick name?" with a little bit of laughter because obviously with a name so foreign and hard to pronounce, I must have a nick name - what will I say?

What's up, world?

So this is my first post. It might not be wise to write this at 1:35 am, but I'm doing it anyway. As I'm beginning to write this, I hear my the voices of my extremely paranoid parents in my head. Since they both work in law enforcement they are endlessly weary of social media and sharing personal information on the internet. But I'm a Millenial, and proud of it. Social media is how we communicate. I'm writing this blog to explore different topics that affect my peers and are pertinent to me - a 22 year old, recent graduate, looking for a job in America.

My age and my education level are just two of my descriptors. I'm also half Black, half Nigerian (yes I make that distinction, I'll post about that in more detail at another time) and a woman. After college I spent 4 months in AmeriCorps (fill you in on that nightmare later) and now I'm back at home. With my parents. It has been... interesting. 

Unfortunately it's too late (or too early in the morning, however you choose to look at it) for me to come up with a decent ending to this post. So, I'm just going to stop typing for now.

Here's a quaint picture of me and the besties (can I still say besties as a 22 year old?... whatever, I'm doing it) at college graduation. We rep JHU '11, '13, and '14. It's cute.